Changes that are made for one person, unexpectedly, can change a persons entire life. How do you recoup and regroup during that change has to be done right and quick. One slip up and everything can fall apart. That is what I am experiencing, as are many others.
In one moment you can be at your happiest and the next devastated.
Ava and I miss our home, but going back doesn't mean things will be good, again. It took two years to build the life we had. But, there is nothing back home. What is home, anyway? Is it the people that you love. Dont' they have to return that love for it to truly be home? I have found continually that the love that has been in my life, never came from blood relatives. Even now, it's old friends and new ones that have embraced us. However, none can help in this predicament that we are now living.
Except, maybe, Hal. My idea guru. He has truly been my longtime friend. However, if anyone deserved to be loved flawlessly. It had to have been him. He still is there for me, if I chose. But, I freeze on that choice. It shakens me. How far would it go? There had to be a reason for me to walk away from him.
Then, there is Cathy, warning me that there is no work even in NC. She is wary of my returning to there. She would love to see me, however, she has always been brutally honest with me. There are no lies between us. So, where is home? I am in a hotel in Las Vegas trying to answer that question.
The answer is so odd...college is my home. It has always been my comfort, and excitement. I recieved honors and praise while I was in college. And felt more hope for a better future. This however, is the first time I actually feel education is not going to benefit me by the time I graduate. I heard this a long time ago, there must be poor, middle class, and wealthy. Without that, then not everyone would have a place in the world. Recently, I heard that there is to be an overload of white collar workers due to the extreme graduates. And industry is gone, and blue collar workers would be in demand but no one would be doing them except the poor, and they and the graduates would also be working for less,and the wealthy would reap the benefits of 'saving' money. This is business. Business is not personal. Business does not care about the poor.
But, for the time, I will try to resume college. Just where do I go to do that? I will seek that out tonight. Tomorrow I will have coffee with the only female friend I have, who is a true Christian lady. Valerie. I am so happy to have tomorrow morning. Because, I have nothing much else that has been 'for me'. I need the edification, the wake up to reality, some real awareness, and caring from an honest person. Thank God for this. I praise God for tomorrows coffee time. I pray for answers. I wonder if they will lead me back to Maui. It seems I never make it here on the mainland, due to lack of support. Others only return because of the weather, or that they forgot the negatives of the island. It was a small town to me, and it was easier to raise Ava, have medical and get things done there, somehow.
