One second can change your life

Changes that are made for one person, unexpectedly, can change a persons entire life. How do you recoup and regroup during that change has to be done right and quick. One slip up and everything can fall apart. That is what I am experiencing, as are many others.
In one moment you can be at your happiest and the next devastated.
Ava and I miss our home, but going back doesn't mean things will be good, again. It took two years to build the life we had. But, there is nothing back home. What is home, anyway? Is it the people that you love. Dont' they have to return that love for it to truly be home? I have found continually that the love that has been in my life, never came from blood relatives. Even now, it's old friends and new ones that have embraced us. However, none can help in this predicament that we are now living.
Except, maybe, Hal. My idea guru. He has truly been my longtime friend. However, if anyone deserved to be loved flawlessly. It had to have been him. He still is there for me, if I chose. But, I freeze on that choice. It shakens me. How far would it go? There had to be a reason for me to walk away from him.
Then, there is Cathy, warning me that there is no work even in NC. She is wary of my returning to there. She would love to see me, however, she has always been brutally honest with me. There are no lies between us. So, where is home? I am in a hotel in Las Vegas trying to answer that question.
The answer is so odd...college is my home. It has always been my comfort, and excitement. I recieved honors and praise while I was in college. And felt more hope for a better future. This however, is the first time I actually feel education is not going to benefit me by the time I graduate. I heard this a long time ago, there must be poor, middle class, and wealthy. Without that, then not everyone would have a place in the world. Recently, I heard that there is to be an overload of white collar workers due to the extreme graduates. And industry is gone, and blue collar workers would be in demand but no one would be doing them except the poor, and they and the graduates would also be working for less,and the wealthy would reap the benefits of 'saving' money. This is business. Business is not personal. Business does not care about the poor.
But, for the time, I will try to resume college. Just where do I go to do that? I will seek that out tonight. Tomorrow I will have coffee with the only female friend I have, who is a true Christian lady. Valerie. I am so happy to have tomorrow morning. Because, I have nothing much else that has been 'for me'. I need the edification, the wake up to reality, some real awareness, and caring from an honest person. Thank God for this. I praise God for tomorrows coffee time. I pray for answers. I wonder if they will lead me back to Maui. It seems I never make it here on the mainland, due to lack of support. Others only return because of the weather, or that they forgot the negatives of the island. It was a small town to me, and it was easier to raise Ava, have medical and get things done there, somehow.

Delicate flower of mine.

Ava's birthday is the 16th, and kindergarten starts the 27...I am truly awaiting that day, and hope her bully isn't in the same school. If she is happy then my work prevails...if not, well things fall apart. She was singing this morning, and picked out her clothes, so pretty. And when she got to school she was writing her name and told her bully, "You have to be nice to me, today." I hated leaving her, to work. :(
She is as beautiful as a flower, as happy as a bird, as patient as a turtle. She is delicate and pure. I want others to love her, and they are not. It is painful to see the rudeness. I am saddened. Why my eldest daughter had a much more easier experience, to wallow in pity. When my youngest feels blessed by a moment of pleasure, peace and togetherness with loving kind people. She embrasses each day with a new and fresh heart. Now, I see she is becoming prepared and willing to protect herself. I hope that it means I have taught her that everything she is is truly rare, and beautiful and that nothing should change that in her.
She should not try to copy others behaviors, because, they could learn from her...I do, everyday.
God bless my Joy, forever protect her and lift her up above all of this. Keep her pure and truly good.

Josh Whites,"Red River Blues" :)

I need love...

I need a huge hug.
I need sincereness and not flattery.
I need long nice of melting into a man and just being free.
I need to feel beautiful, again.
I need fun.
I need a friend...who I don't have to explain how good of a person i am.
I need a man who can handle me...my personality, and the fact I have a family...(most of them have one too...duh)
And I need foot rubs, back rubs, front rubs, and inside rubs.
I need kisses.
I need to talk about anything.
I need to be trusted.
I need someone who wants to talk to me.
I need to touch a man, a good man.
I need to kiss, rub, and nurture a good man.
I need sex raunchy sex at least 2x a week. I am not talking about 'making love'.
I need to have my freedom to be me!
I need some man who will be himself with me all of the time.
I need to pamper and be pampered, but not all of the time.
I need a man who will love me, and be a roll model to my daughter like a father.

1984 Class Reunion

October 10,2009 I am going to celebrate my 25 year class reunion. It will be the first I have ever attended. It will be close to my daughter. And in the season I love to be in most...The Fall!
So, I am excited to call my friend and see if I can stay with her. It's amazing that we are still friends for all of these years.
I miss you Cathy. I can't wait for you to see my girls. I can't wait to laugh with you.
I have a detailed and complex trip to plan...if or if not, to return to Maui. If not...I just need to job hunt and resettle somewhere else. It's all happening in just these two days.
Sometimes when things are meant to be lifechanging...this is how it starts.

This week I didn't work. Well, I did work on my closet, and did laundry. I wasn't so motivated to stay inside and hang paintings or decorate. I didn't feel like folding clothing, and vacuuming.

I felt like walking, talking, and hugging a bit this week.
I wanted to be a part of the community.
Well, now I realize why I work so much purposely.
So, work begins tomorrow. I have a tan. And Saturday, I will go hike with my daughter. Paint with my daughter. And clean each room and decorate the condo with my daughter.
I thought I was missing something 'out there' when I had the world at home. I have the 'life'. So, I am going to starting 'entertaining' my family. What a burden to have lifted from my shoulders.
All I need is the air, the sun, and my daughters. And to save for vacations to great places in the US or in Europe. I have the clients,friends,and family I need. They just can't be here with me. They are in my heart.
I don't need anythong more than what I have already. I just need to embrace it a bit more.
So, this I know for a fact.
Moving off this island would only bring me closer to those people in my life, already. :)