Josh Whites,"Red River Blues" :)

I need love...

I need a huge hug.
I need sincereness and not flattery.
I need long nice of melting into a man and just being free.
I need to feel beautiful, again.
I need fun.
I need a friend...who I don't have to explain how good of a person i am.
I need a man who can handle me...my personality, and the fact I have a family...(most of them have one too...duh)
And I need foot rubs, back rubs, front rubs, and inside rubs.
I need kisses.
I need to talk about anything.
I need to be trusted.
I need someone who wants to talk to me.
I need to touch a man, a good man.
I need to kiss, rub, and nurture a good man.
I need sex raunchy sex at least 2x a week. I am not talking about 'making love'.
I need to have my freedom to be me!
I need some man who will be himself with me all of the time.
I need to pamper and be pampered, but not all of the time.
I need a man who will love me, and be a roll model to my daughter like a father.

1984 Class Reunion

October 10,2009 I am going to celebrate my 25 year class reunion. It will be the first I have ever attended. It will be close to my daughter. And in the season I love to be in most...The Fall!
So, I am excited to call my friend and see if I can stay with her. It's amazing that we are still friends for all of these years.
I miss you Cathy. I can't wait for you to see my girls. I can't wait to laugh with you.
I have a detailed and complex trip to plan...if or if not, to return to Maui. If not...I just need to job hunt and resettle somewhere else. It's all happening in just these two days.
Sometimes when things are meant to be lifechanging...this is how it starts.

This week I didn't work. Well, I did work on my closet, and did laundry. I wasn't so motivated to stay inside and hang paintings or decorate. I didn't feel like folding clothing, and vacuuming.

I felt like walking, talking, and hugging a bit this week.
I wanted to be a part of the community.
Well, now I realize why I work so much purposely.
So, work begins tomorrow. I have a tan. And Saturday, I will go hike with my daughter. Paint with my daughter. And clean each room and decorate the condo with my daughter.
I thought I was missing something 'out there' when I had the world at home. I have the 'life'. So, I am going to starting 'entertaining' my family. What a burden to have lifted from my shoulders.
All I need is the air, the sun, and my daughters. And to save for vacations to great places in the US or in Europe. I have the clients,friends,and family I need. They just can't be here with me. They are in my heart.
I don't need anythong more than what I have already. I just need to embrace it a bit more.
So, this I know for a fact.
Moving off this island would only bring me closer to those people in my life, already. :)

Sedona is calling me.
I have missed Arizona since I stayed a few days there in "03. I never wanted to leave. And truly, I had no place to go. My belongings were already in a truck, and I had been offerred a job cleaning at a hotel.
I should have stayed. It was so peaceful. It was a simple way of life.
I saw this song, and it is perfect for me. It's a goal for me.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=173521738

Not Asian and Have Kids....

Many men move to Hawaii. Gay or straight to meet and Asian, polynesian companian.
Well, perfect for the Irish/Indian Dutch girl who happened to move her single heterosexual self here.
Now what?
I have had the weirdest interactions. If I was truly attracted to short filapino men...or the tattoo'd pigeon speaking locals who cook sticky rice all day. I would be fine. But, truly. I am not.
Here's to Me loving me.
And to all the miserable married white guys who can't get divorced from their mail order brides and wish they had someone just like me.
Whoop-D-doo!

When do I start working again?

To Some God is Whiskey

Whiskey is real.
There is only one true good whiskey.
It's full of integrity and pureness.
It is smooth, unique. and sexy on it's own.
It doesn't disappoint you.
It's there when you need a friend.
It helps you bond with others.
It gets you through the lonely nights.
It motivates you to do better.
It makes you think differently about things.
It leads you in paths you never thought you would cross.
It makes you everybody's friend.
It helps you sleep soundly at night.
It is forgiving of all mistakes, and erases them from your mind to start anew.
To some, God is whiskey.

A poem written by,Tamara B. Johnson

To some God is whiskey. Who am I to judge that?

30 years later, and we haven't changed!

Roots

Ginger is a root, and considered a miracle healer, and long lifegiver. That is what family and solid friendship provides to a person.


Roots are where you come from, what makes you become who you are.
The roots inside you never change. So, being far from home and being from different roots, makes me homesick for people with similar roots.
It is always a pleasure to be around Southern people. These are the kindest people I will ever know.
Embracing other cultures doesn't meet my need for family dinners together, and parties where people dance, laugh loud, and talk about good things. Where people can agree to disagree with each other and chuckle about it.
Where hospitality flows endless like the Mississippi river.
I really don't mind a person to person conversation, without all of the drama included.
I grew up with such diversity, and sometimes there was adversity. But, forgiveness was real, and kindness was sincere...and eating with someone showed genuine love and trust for that person. Symbols that unite one another. I find it strange that there are people who can pull a Judas kiss and truly think they will live happy healthy lives. It is saddening. Honesty and integrity whether you like/dislike or agree/disagree establishes respect for a lifetime, and genuine happiness within ones self.
It's all about a persons roots. Let's plant more love and respect in our children and grandchildren and community. Maybe the roots of love and respect will grow deep.
I hope that for my children. I miss that many weren't so blessed to have grown up with solid roots. I find that saddening.

Healthy Gone Bad

Every Sunday I like to go and eat Mexican food.
My favorite dish is beef and chicken enchiladas plate.
I love Spanish rice, and refried beans.
However, one day it went healthy...in a bad way.
The rice was white, and had peas in it.
I am so glad it didn't stay on the menu.
Whew! There are times when change is bad.

Before I Forget

Just wanted to remind myself, what I told my daughter today. I need to say it to myself sometimes, too.
This is what I said this morning to my daughter going to school.
Don't be a follower.
Do what is good.
Stay focused.
Listen.
Pray for God to help me.
If something goes wrong today, have your teacher call me.
When others are doing something bad, stay focused on what you are to do.
Clean your room.
You look gorgeous today.
Pretty is as pretty does.
You are a good girl, don't let anyone make you feel bad.
Have a good day.
I love you.
Yep, that about covers it.

It's Finally Happened

Being sort of reclusively social. It has happened. I am becoming part of a parental group. Doing things parents do, with our children.

Thank you Christine for being so nice and giving Ava a lei today. Thank you Shareta for continuing to invite me to baseball games. I am glad I finally came. Ava had fun with her friends. Who cares about anything else.

Way to go team! One more game to go. You betcha I will be there. I deserve to have fun too. So, does Ava.

It finally happened. I ran into someone who I once liked, but now no longer did. It was big of me to be nice. It felt good to be a bigger person about being in the same social setting. After all, I am older than 20.

It's Raining! :)

It's been so hot today. Now, it's raining. Perfect timing.
It's still hot inside. I am going to sit out on my lanai and let it fall down over me.
Wonderful rain! No lightening.
Relaxation. It's been a perfect day, full of love and peacefulness.
I hope it stops in time for the baseball game. Lately, I just want to embrace everything good in life...again. No hiding inside, anymore.

I See You!

This morning while my daughter and I prepared for our daily ritual of going to school, and work...I saw my daughter in a new light. She looked different, had more personality, and stood differently.
I heard her wimper she couldn't find the shoes she wanted to wear. They did not match her outfit. She wanted to wear them together. She was so excited, that she found her glasses.
Here it is I was busy busy getting ready for the day, myself.
We met at the front door and I was moved to tears. She was so beautiful. So incredibly beautiful.
Today is her pre-k graduation. She is wearing peach and pink together. But, it looks great on her. I have never felt so touched by the special qualities my daughter holds...a true joy. A joy that shines from within her.
I scooped her up and held her close to me. Weeping with joy I tell her she is so beautiful, and I am so proud of who she is. I tell her that I love her so much.
She pets me on the back and squeezes me and said, "I love you, too, Mommy."
Hours later, I am still in awe that we made it these (almost) 5 years together alone.
I would not have had a better person to go through a lifetime with, Ava Joy Johnson! God bless her always and forever. She is such a trooper. She has such a great heart. She is full of goodness and beauty and wisdom. She is determined and yet, tender hearted. I love her, so much. She is a mini me in so many ways. For that, I see it is all good and that she should let all of what she is shine out to others and never be insecure. She is wonderful, if only to me...but, not so, many find her to be amazing. I took a picture of her. I will post it later. I just want to revel in today, being all about her. I see who she is, and she is good.

Expresso and Kona winds

I would never survive the islands without expresso to help me through the weeks of sugar cane burning...and the Kona winds at the beach to help me breat fresh air. It is better than a puffer and going to get 'refreshed', as I call it, at the hospital.
Yesterday, was a killer day. There is not a posting telling of when the cane will burn. So, around 2 am I awaken in a weakened panicky state. Thanking God for coffee which got me through most mornings of my childhood. Living in a smokefilled home, I learned to survive with coffee. Self medication is what my doctors call it. That is why I carry soda with me all of the time. Especially, Dr. Pepper.
I am perky, a bit dizzy, but going to nap for one hour only after a walk (yes!) at the beach with my expresso, breathing in God's breath for me.
I am returning for more with my boogie board in one hour.
I am thankful for wind and for caffiene...mainly expresso. The oil in the bean is also quite helpful medically. I love my life. I chose to live it. I persevere only with God. And he blesses me with everything I need in the most beautiful ways.
I am weepy...yes, because, you realize life can be taken from you easily when you have asthma, epilepsy, and allergies to peanuts and bees. It's a blessing I survived my childhood. I know God wants me alive, and loving life. I will for Him! His love carries me through life. I am thankful for the reminders of how precious it is to live.